Needs Work, Renovator's Dream

Thoughts on my "type"
I think I'm a wimp. I've just realised this. On the weekend I took a road trip with some friends to Melbourne, where we clubbed and drank and ate and basically had fun all-round. On Sunday night we were at a pub, in the "gay" section on the side. We were basically just sitting around and chatting and stuff, and I could see these two guys up at the bar, obviously debating whether to come over and sit with us. Me, specifically.

And they did. Lets call them Richard, and Peter. Richard was good looking, with a big smile and an enthusiastic manner. Peter was gorgeous, simply put. But I think it was Richard that was interested in me, who instigated the "lets go sit over there and talk to him" manoeuvre. But, I wasn't attracted to Richard, although he seemed to be a lovely guy. Peter was gorgeous... Kinda short, with short blond hair, a nice flushed face (the Prince William flushed cheeks look), and a very funny manner. And a great voice, too. Not only that, he's lived in France for a year or so, as well as having studied in Germany. So we had lots to talk about - his take on the different accents of the regions, what the people were like, etc etc. He also seemed rather successful, doing international marketing with a bank or something, I can't really remember the specifics he didn't really go into. Richard was into social working, also quite interesting.

But I found myself becoming quite attracted to Peter. He was funny, smart, spoke multiple languages, had worldly experiences. Very successful, I would imagine. Nice apartment in a nice suburb. We even talked about landmarks in Melbourne and he agreed that I really should see the Australian art gallery, as well as a newly opened up domed ceiling in the state library. A man after my own heart, to value those kinds of things.

Throughout our weekend, my friends and I pointed out people to each other, ie "There's a guy for you, Brad", etc. That led to discussions on what our "types" were. If I want to look at someone, I like looking at people with the eastern european look, mostly. Anywhere in Czech Republic, Slovakia, Scandanavia, Germany, etc etc. I like that look. But my "type" of personality I go for, it's always the same. Well, the ones I end up dating are always the same. They're always a little bit flawed, I guess, and have much less experience than I have. Renovators delights, as it were. People with issues about themselves - be it being newly "gay", or something else similar. People with plenty of baggage.

But I also find myself terribly attracted to people like Peter, above. Successful people. People with which I would imagine a hell of a lifestyle. Two people with my income, dating? That would be wild. Two people without the obvious big issues? Fantastic.

But in the end, they always make me run a mile. Just look at my attempt at dating Dominic, when I last lived in Melbourne. He had no issues. He had his own company, he was successful, had his shit together, was happy with himself. Great to be around. Just no big flaws. I run from people like that - I certainly ran from Dominic. And Andrew, another friend from Melbourne. I'd say we had an opportunity to date, it just never eventuated. He's certainly cute, and very successful. Comes from a very successful family. He's very genuine, caring, honest, and smart. All those things I'm attracted to in a person, just not in a relationship. I look at him today and think "shit, maybe I should have dated him". I'd probably think the same of Dominic if I saw him. And I was certainly thinking that of Peter the other night. I imagined what it would be like to date him.

But I know I'd never go through with it.

Which leads me to my conclusion - I'm a wimp. People who are as smart/successful/together as me, or even more so, threaten me. I don't like being around people that know more than me. Some of Peter's French scared me. I found myself to not be the most interesting person at the table, when he was there. That's threatening to me. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

So I'm a wimp. I date people I can impress. I don't date people I can really learn from, I date people who can learn from me. Is it out of compassion for them, or because I'm a wimp? I'm thinking it's the latter.

At the beginning of the "courtship" with Dominic, I said to him "don't let me run away from this because it's too good for me". He wasn't sure what I meant. I showed him within a week - I was out of there. As George Michael sings in one of his songs "You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell do you do when they come true?".

Peter was the guy of my dreams. I want him, but I don't. I'd try to date him, but I'd run a mile. Do I not want to be happy? Or does it all come down to a guy's fear of committment? Do I run from things I think might work, only to find things that probably won't? Am I more comfortable failing? I already know I'm more comfortable when I'm not learning things from someone else. I already know that smart people make me feel uncomfortable.

So where to from here? I guess realising these things about myself will help me in the future. Do I continue dating people like I do, or do I try to find someone successful? I guess I'll just play it by ear. Anything that I end up in, that I put my heart into, is bound to be worthwhile, however long it lasts. I love Craig enormously. He may not be an investment banker, or multi-lingual, or able to travel overseas at the drop of a hat, but he's my boyfriend and I love him.